We’re Moving

Good news. Neil Funkmaster Flex is moving. We’re joining ChicagoNow.com and their community of bloggers. This will give the blog greater attention and expand its readership. Don’t worry though, this isn’t us “selling out“. The blog won’t change in any way. We’ll still be bringing you that same dry, sarcastic, Bulls perspective all five have you have come to love. Anyways, catch you on the flip side.

You can find us HERE.


Why Boozer Misses Dunks

If you watched the game tonight, which you should have, then you noticed in the third quarter Carlos Boozer miss a fast break, uncontested, layup/dunk. If you are a devoted fan of the Bulls and watch every game, then you know that Boozer’s biggest weakness (behind his total disregard of any defense) is his ability to finish at the rim. Multiple times this season we have seen Boozer rise up for a dunk with his 14 inch vert only to see it clang off the rim. We all know that when Boozer is on, his fifteen foot jumper is silky but what is it that is holding him back from throwing it down? I decided that this important question needed delving into.

When thinking about why the Booze Cruise can’t dunk, I instantly started looking back to last season when he broke his hand. One might think that because Boozer didn’t touch the ball for almost two months that he may have lost the feel of it and this is why he loses it when he goes up. A good thought, but this isn’t the case. When I looked back to the injury, the answer was clear: Carlos Boozer’s giant diamond encrusted digital watch.

With the money the Bulls were now paying him, Booze went out to treat himself to a new gift, this gaudy watch. Just by looking at it one could speculate that it was a very heavy watch. The amount of strength that it must have taken him to lug around his arm all day was torture, but as we all know style comes with a price. When Boozer came back from the injury, he was unable to adjust not only to his broken right hand, which had grown weak, but his left arm which had gotten twice as strong from his new watch. When he goes up for a dunk, he has a tough time doing so with his weak and strong hands, and therefore misses them. Now if you are saying, “That injury was almost a year and a half ago,” or “Clearly the batteries have died on that time piece,” I have another possibility.

Carlos Boozer’s new hair style is the talk of the league these days, and it’s easy to see why. It looks like he takes a can of that FlexSeal and sprays it on before a game. Clearly, the side effects of a spray on hair have to be dangerous, but who can argue with those results. When the Booze puts a fresh layer on his head, the fumes instantly get inhaled and he becomes a little woozy and enters a state of what I call the “Booze Wooze.” Thus, when Boozer jumps up to dunk it he becomes dizzy and loses control of his body limbs and is forced to miss the dunk. Is it worth the hair if you miss the dunk? It’s tough to say, but just look at those results!

And so I say, keep trying Booze, you’ll get that fast break boom one of these days.


White Guy Wednesday

It’s that time of the week again folks, Wednesday, which of course means that it is time for everybody’s favorite segment White Guy Wednesday. For those of you who don’t know, this is where I take a look at which white American basketball player is tearing it up in the league for the past week. Kevin Love will not be featured in this week’s list because he was suspended two games for stomping on Louis Scola’s chest, and I just can’t condone that. This is about as thug as Love has ever gotten, and you could just tell he was uncomfortable and out of his element. So without further ado, here is this week’s list.

White Guy #4

Kyle Korver- Bulls

Hot sauce makes it once again (I’ll have to admit I’m a little bias). Korver had a pretty good week though, averaging 10.5 points a game in the four that the Bulls had. The majority of these games were without MVP Derrick Rose (He played 22 minutes at New Orleans last Wednesday, only because he was showing off for Will Ferrell) so every point that the Bulls can squeeze out of the Hot Sauce bottle is a bonus. Korver’s best game of the week came Tuesday where he scored 18 points while going four for five from deep. (Side note, Stacey King puts Kyle Korver Hot Sauce on everything he eats).

White Guy #3

Steve Novak- Knicks

Libertyville’s very own Steve Novak makes the list this week with a great set of games. Nobody may have benefited more from Linsanity (It’s becoming a little much, wait til DRose shuts him down) than Novak. In four games this week, Novak averaged 11.5 points a game, knocking down an average of three treys a game. His peak game came last Wednesday where he poured in 19 against the Wizards. It will be interesting to see what will happen when Melo comes back and demands the ball, instantly killing Lin’s game and Novak’s shooting, but I will always root for a Lake County kid (Even though he is from Libertyville).

White Guy #2

Ryan Anderson- Magic

Anderson is in the midst of a career year even with all of the Dwight Howard drama going on. In four games this week, Anderson averaged 17.5 points a game while racking up 8 boards as well. His peak game came last Wednesday against Miami where he poured in 27 points and grabbed 11 boards. It’s impressive that Anderson is putting up such great numbers with the black hole that is Hedo Turkoglu on his team, but it is great to see him flourishing in Orlando.

White Guy #1

David Lee- Warriors

We have a new number one, and it is Warriors power forward David Lee. Even with the trigger happy Monta Ellis on the squad, Lee still finds a way to get his. In three games this week, Lee has averaged 18.3 points a game, grabbing 11 boards and shooting 58% from the field. His best game of the week came Monday against Phoenix where he scored 28 points and grabbed 12 rebounds. Even though Lee is from the dreadful city known as St. Louis, I will look past it and congratulate Lee for his great week and new number one White Guy.


The Dumbest Play I’ve Seen All Season

There are times when you watch a basketball game and a play takes place where your jaw drops. No. I’m not talking about a Blake Griffin dunk, a Ron Artest punch, or a Dwayne Wade cry. What I’m talking about is a play that is so dumb that you can’t believe these players get paid millions. This particular play took place on Tuesday night with the Bulls taking on the Kings. Now I know what you are thinking, what did DeMarcus Cousins do?? But in fact it wasn’t the Kings that did it, but the NBA’s best record having Bulls that did.

The game was out of hand the whole night and with three minutes left the Bulls lead climbed to ten. Then all of a sudden, the Kings got hot, hitting trey after trey, climbing their way back into the game. With 41 seconds left, the Kings were down just five points. The Bulls were still in control, needing only one solid possession to put the game out of reach. That’s when John Lucas III took over.

As Kings big man DeMarcus Cousins switched out to guard Lucas as the clock was winding out, I was sure that Lucas was going to get the offense going with the mismatches that the came as a result of the high PnR (Pick and Roll). Just as Joakim Noah was sliding to the lane to take advantage of the mismatch, Lucas pounded the ball into the ground for 19 seconds, resorting to chuck up a 28 footer over Cousins. The ball bounced wildly off the back board. Tyreke Evans rebounded the ball near the top of the key and instantly took it the length of the court in 4 seconds; Luol Deng was then forced to foul him and send him to the line. The game was once again in jeopardy as the Kings pulled within three with 19 seconds left.

You know a shot is bad when even the most biased man in America, Neil Funk, says that that was a god awful shot. In a game where Joakim was having a monster game down low, Lu was at a career high in assists, and K-Korv was dripping hot sauce on everybody, why in the hell did Lucas chuck up this shot!? Cuz he’s John Lucas baby. He’s out to get his. Lucas really takes to heart the old adage, “you miss every shot you don’t take.” In fact, Lucas has this tattooed across his chest (I’ve seen it, don’t ask).

What I loved most about his play was the unapologetic swagger that Lucas did it with. The way he tried to dribble the Spalding off the ball was Rose-esq. The waving off of the screen was pure Kobe. And the fading 28 footer was so reminiscent of LBJ that Dan Gilbert spit blood and Chris Bosh called his agent asking to be traded to the Bulls. This is John Lucas though, the best third string point guard in the NBA according to Michael Wilbon (How many teams have a third string pg again??) The good comes with the bad. Or is it the bad comes with the bad?


Happy Valentine’s Day

It’s Valentine’s Day here in Chicago (and the in the rest of the world but that rumor is still unconfirmed) and what better way to celebrate than by watching the Bulls take on the Sac-Town Kings with your significant other? (if you’re a dude, I really hope you didn’t do this and call it a romantic display of your unending love — cause that never ends well) If you missed the Bulls game, don’t worry, you didn’t miss much. DRose didn’t play because of those pesky back spasms (but he’s feeling better) and the Bulls played with what you could call “tired legs.” Ultimately, the Bulls pulled out a game that was close but never really felt in doubt.

This was not a pretty game, especially not at the outset.

Neil succinctly described much of the first quarter:

“Goodness, nobody can make a layup”

I’m inclined to agree with him.

Neil and Stacey set their sights on Jason Thompson after bricked a mid-ranger jumper.

Neil:

“Oh my goodness”

Stacey:

“That’s out of his range.”

Neil:

“Thompson was about 9-10 feet out and shot that ball about 12 feet. Goodness gracious…”

This whole sequence was pretty entertaining. I’ll agree, Thompson’s shot was not pretty but Neil reacted as though Thompson turned to shot, stopped, and just chucked the ball at the nearest elderly person in the stands. And if 9-10 feet is out of Thompson’s range, shouldn’t he just hang ‘em up yesterday and call it career? Because, if below the free throw line is outside of your range, you’re probably not long for the NBA.

Stacey:

“Chuck Hayes is about 6’4” playin the center spot.”

Ouchtown, Population Chuck Hayes. Kind of a low blow to Hayes who has carved out a career in the NBA despite being undersized (6’6″) and not being very good. You’d think King would have a little respect for the guy… actually you wouldn’t. Nevermind.

Neil:

“Oh my goodness. Flop flop flop.”

He’s still Floppin!”

Stacey:

“I’m surprised someone didn’t hit him in the face the way he’s floundering around.”

All of this was after DeMark Cuzzo (Demarcus Cousins) sold some contact. Neil and Stacey HATE when players flop. Also, to them, Bulls players NEVER flop.

As the Kings were trying to make a comeback Neil dropped this gem on us:

“That’s the one guy you don’t want to foul and of course, right away, Tyreke Evans fouls him”

I’m actually surprised Neil didn’t just come out say he thinks Tyreke Evans is an idiot.

Other things of note:

At one point the words “Carlos boozer” and “hustle plays” were used in a sentence for the first time without the words “getting beaten on” appearing in between them. And according to Neil, Francisco Garcia had a couple “sensational” seasons a few years back. Apparently a 12/3/2 season is “sensational.” The only thing sensational about Francisco is his name, Francisco.


Derrick Rose Ruined the NBA

Okay that might be a little harsh, but in a second it will all make sense. If you are a Lebron hater (much like myself) much of it has to deal with Derrick Rose. Derrick is everything that Lebron isn’t. He’s humble, driven, and a hometown hero that will play for his team his entire career (cross all ten fingers).

To look at why Derrick has ruined the NBA today we have to look back to the 2008 draft. The Chicago Bulls finished the season heading into the draft with a 33-49 record, which was the ninth worst in the league. With a 1.7 percent chance of winning the lottery, hopes were not high, and it looked all too likely that our beloved Bulls would be taking the likes of either Joe Alexander or Jerryd Bayless (I’ll pause a second so you can Google who Joe Alexander is). Miraculously the Bulls won the first overall pick and drafted Rose, thus ruining basketball as we know it.

Had the Bulls not won the lottery, all would be fine. The Miami Heat would have selected Rose, putting together the best back court the NBA would ever see in two Chi town kids playing in South Beach. The Bulls would have selected Jerryd Bayless with the ninth overall pick. Bayless would never amount to anything only getting scrap minutes here and there off of the bench, and “Captain” Kurt Heinrich and Ben “I don’t play no D” Gordon would still be our back court.

The more important thing however is that Lebron would have never joined the Heat. Dwayne Wade wouldn’t be crying about leaving or bringing in better talent because he would be flourishing in a system with Rose. He would tell Lebron in 2010 that “listen we’re buddies, but ya ain’t comin down here an blowin up my scene.” Lebron would never do the infamous decision on national television and he’d still be the NBA’s sweetheart. Bosh would have come to the Cav’s (because he’s spineless and does whatever Bron says) and the Cleveland Cavaliers would be duking it out with Miami Heat for the chance to represent the East in the Finals. Players wouldn’t be looking to team up with other superstars and want to win by themselves. Order would be restored.

Meanwhile, Rose would be having the time of his life. He wouldn’t feel the pressure of playing for his hometown squad and wouldn’t have to take late game free throws with Wade there. Rose would ultimately become South Beach’s biggest clubber and night lifer. TMZ would have their own Rose segment of shots of him stumbling out of night clubs with glow sticks in hand and a pacifier in his mouth. Becoming distracted with what Miami has to offer, Rose would give up basketball and look to pursue his true love, rapping. Teaming up with local Rick Ross, he would sign to Maybach Money Group, and go under the name Dong Rose (You’re welcome Western, stand up) and become one of hip-hop’s brightest stars. Damn, that woulda been something.

Scarier yet, let’s think about where the Bulls would be without Rose. Say the Bulls get the number two pick in the ’08 draft and select thugged out, fan puncher, Michael Beasley. Nobody would see Kevin Love amounting to anything, and the Bulls front office would think that Italian kid Danilo Gallinari was just too pretty to play ball. With Beasley the Bulls would get a player that’s more suitable for NBA Street than 2K (Street trumps 2K) and instantly disrupt whatever chemistry the team thought they had. He would come in as the sixth man with one goal on his mind, “Ima get mines”. The Bulls would never reach higher than the 7th seed and get knocked out every year.

Tom Thibodeau wouldn’t reach the Bulls with a ten foot poll in 2010, and probably choose a better location to bring his awesomeness too, and we would still be stuck with offensive master mind Vinny Del Negro. We would be waiting around for another chance to find a local hero to save our squad, praying for the chance to draft Anthony Davis or Jabari Parker, and none of us would be proud to rock our throwback Bulls snapbacks.

So in short, thank God that we have Derrick Rose but also realize that he was the downfall of the rest of the league.


Around the World in 9 Games

It’s over. It’s really over.

The Bulls marathon road trip has finally, mercifully, ended today with their loss to the Celtics. What started two weeks ago with this (I don’t even want to get started on the “is DRose not clutch” argument because I’m scared of what the answer might be) ended with Rose sitting on the bench, sullen, and looking like he did when that bully stole his bike in 7th grade. (I was there… he was pretty sad).

This road trip had both its highs and its lows. The Bulls tough loss to the Heat was followed a few days later with a solid #beatemdown from the 76ers. (I’m trying to decide whether the Sixers or the Pacers scare me more. I think it’s the Pacers but that might only be because of this guy). After that loss they reeled off four straight wins (each were blowouts by 20+ — which is an NBA record … I’ll let you look it up to confirm). The real importance of this road trip won’t really be known till tomorrow, when DRose meets with specialists regarding his back spasms, or till the playoffs. Every little injury that happens this season becomes doubly worrisome because there is a really good chance that one hard foul from Mr. Sharp Elbows and the Bulls could be in a world of hurt (pun intended)

Here’s what Joak said as he reflected upon the road trip:

“We want to be a championship team. To be a championship team, 6-3 is OK. But it’s not great. I feel like we got outcompeted.”

This quote came from K.C. Johnson, the Bulls beat reporter. His twitter is right here and he’s a must follow for any Bulls fans. K.C Johnson @KCJHoop 

I’m inclined to agree with Joak on just about everything he had to say. Yes, the Bulls want to be a ‘ship team. Going 6-3 is OK but not great. And to be honest the Bulls were outcompeted. I wasn’t too concerned about the Miami loss, however, the Bulls lost to a 76er team that played like they had something to prove (that they were as good as the Bulls and I think they might be). In this instance they were definitely out competed. I don’t know what to make of the Celtic game. It’s really hard for me to say the Bulls were “outcompeted” because the only reason the game was close was because the Bulls pounded the offensive glass and hustled after loose balls. There were also a lot of instances were I thought the Bulls were doggin’ it a little (JVG did a good job of pointing that out during the broadcast). At the end of the day, it simply appeared as though the Bulls played like a team that was on the 9th game of a 9 game road trip. Which is completely understandable. I’ll be curious to see, DRose or not, how well they play against the Celtics on Thursday.


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